Ruling things out.

I quit my job recently for a variety of reasons. One of which was health related. I have had some weird health things over the last few months. One concerning symptom is a buzzing in my tailbone, like a phone on vibrate that can be incessant and maddening but also severely worrisome. When I looked it up online, all signs pointed to cancer and then to multiple sclerosis (thanks google). I have a friend who is currently living with MBC, metastatic breast cancer, not curable- but treatable. The reality that cancer is a thing people my age live with is still a little unsettling. So I wasn't entirely ruling out those possibilities.

But also, I know better than to trust the internet when it comes to matters of health so I also made an appointment with my doctor. I had hoped the doctor would say, "Oh yes, I've seen this before! It's probably just XYZ." But when I told the nurse, she seemed perplexed. Then, when I told my doctor she also seemed rather stumped. So we went through the list. First comes the Blood work. Which I hate because I get woozy. But I *did* have an angel of a phlebotomist who got it on the first go.

"Good news," the nurse told me when I called, "your blood work looks GREAT!" Which unfortunately meant it was not an easy answer.

Next step was an MRI. We only did the lower lumbar and while there were no lesions (meaning likely not MS, for now) it did show disc bulging.

Then on to the spine specialist who mostly wanted to stick a giant needle up my back- thanks but no thanks for now doc. While I was hoping for a quick, easy fix, I also HATE needles. Had an epidural with my firstborn. So it's not a fear of the unknown.

Next came physical therapy. Only that physical therapist and their entire office was awful. Clearly in it to cash checks from the insurance but doesn't give one thought to the humans they are interacting with. Zero respect for bodily autonomy, which seems like it should be a given in that field of work. I have done physical therapy before. The other times have been great and I am glad I had those experiences to compare to or I might have gone back to this terribly trained "professional". So now I have to find another PT and might possibly seek out other medical advice from another doc here. This was the PT the spine specialist usually refers to. So I'm questioning that doctor's judgment, too.

Why do I tell you all of this? I don't know. But it is intensely frustrating and stressful. Meanwhile, my back isn't much worse than it's always been but I have been more acutely aware of changes and other symptoms that I'm tracking. I'm in a place where we can cover the current medical expenses. That feels like a miracle. And simultaneously makes me mad but that's a post for another day.

In the end, I'm no better or worse off. I just have a little more information to work with now.  

And maybe a little more time to write.